This video contains vintage archive 8mm footage of shirtless men kissing men, shirtless guys, men in underwear, guys making out, transsexual, men in sexual situations.

The video also contains archival 8mm footage of Coney Island, Freak Shows, Nickelodians, Peep Shows, and more.

I collect 8mm archival footage from a plethora of sources and I had this video of a Transexual that may have been created by herself in her own home (original source and the performer remains unknown). It seems she dreamed of being a diva performer whom the world would applaud, and filming herself may have been her way of tasting that dream. This footage sat on a hard drive and backup drive for over a year and I have always wanted to create something with it, but never had a project it could remotly be suited for.

I had almost forgotten about the footage when I heard this song on an obscure electronic stream channel. The second I heard the song, the entire video was almost laid out in front of me. I had a burning desire to express everything I have gone through and am going through with respect to my own (now going on seven year) relationship with my boyfriend, and thus began her resurrection as narrator, story teller, performer, and diva. I edited, re-worked, and puppeteared the footage of our narrator to fit the lyrics (or close to it).

I think I need a punching bag with Dubya’s face it. He has become the embodiment of all that I find putrid, and vile. Strange that he is also from West Texas.

I made this video to help vent my frustrations and angers, since our condo in Dallas is a bit to small for Dubya punching bag.

By the way, the song in the video is called BREAK!, by Saul Williams on his new album The Inevitable Rise and Liberation of NiggyTardust!.

 

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tkd, originally uploaded by Joystickplayer.

For so long I have been empty down, oppressed and suppressed, by family, environment, and government.

I am tired of looking away, and I am tired of not fighting back.

This was me, age 12.

Time to be a fighter again.

I was born and raised in Odessa, Texas (the city highlighted in the hit television series “Heroes” on NBC), and I attended and graduated from Permian high school (of “Friday Night Lights” book and movie fame).

After seeing the portrayals of my former home, (although “Friday Night Lights” is an accurate depiction of the culture and mindset of that region, and the movie was an aesthetic bulls-eye with good character development) I still feel that these portrayals are glamorizing the city that I grew up in.

Although most current West Texas residents claim they love the Permian Basin (as it is often referred), I have a much different story to tell.

There are three religions in West Texas.

1. Conservative Evangelical

2. Football

3. Oil (Petroleum)

I was not understood, well integrated, or even creatively or intellectually nurtured here. I continue to have deep resentments toward that region and that community. Due to that resentment, I created a video that I think communicates the frustration, humiliation, and feelings of disgust and depression that I experienced during my child hood there.

 

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building.jpg, originally uploaded by Joystickplayer.

An abandoned building in Odessa, Texas.

scotttheather.jpg, originally uploaded by Joystickplayer.

For a time it was the oldest theater in Odessa.
Although, I have not been by there in many years, I think it has been torn down.

stinkfist.jpg, originally uploaded by Joystickplayer.

Self actualization can materialize internally in multiple fashions. This was made clear to me recently by a song that has been my one of my favorite all time songs since it was released in 1996.

“Stinkfist”, by the band Tool is a haunting, theatrical piece, that when accompanied by the video’s disturbing visuals left an eternal scar that continues to open new doors to self awareness. I recently fell in love with the song all over again for reasons that I find almost impossible to explain myself, except to say, I understand it now more than ever.

Here are the lyrics to the song, written by the band’s brilliant vocalist and lyricist, Maynard James Keenan.

Something has to change.
Un-deniable dilemma.
Boredoms not a burden
Anyone should bear.

Constant over stimulation numbs me
But I would not want you
Any other way.

Just, not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I said, I don’\t want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I am alive.

Finger deep within the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.
Relax, turn around and take my hand.

I can help you change
Tired moments into pleasure.
Say the word and well be
Well upon our way.

Blend and balance
Pain and comfort
Deep within you
Till you will not want me any other way.

But, its not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I said, I don’t want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I am alive.

Knuckle deep inside the borderline.
This may hurt a little but its something you’ll get used to.
Relax. slip away.

Something kinda sad about
The way that things have come to be.
Desensitized to everything.
What became of subtlety?

How can it mean anything to me
If I really don’t feel anything at all?

Ill keep digging till,
I feel something.

Elbow deep inside the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.
Shoulder deep within the borderline.
Relax. turn around and take my hand.